Pastoral Care
In many ways, the Buddhists have it right. There is much truth to their belief that our attachment to things is the source of all our suffering. Pastoral care is all about the life-long process of helping one another cope with loss. Part of the beauty of our existence is that things are constantly changing and we are constantly transitioning. Yet with any change, even changes for the better, there exists the loss of what was. While the kinds of loss vary across the lifespan, the difficulty in coping with them remains a constant. As children and youth we may mourn the death of a pet, or the loss of a marriage and our family as we’ve known it if our parents divorce. Young adults these days tend to lead more transient lives, and might struggle with the loss of community that comes from moving frequently. Older adults might struggle with all sorts of loss, from miscarriage to friends dying too young to the loss of their parents. Elders face an entirely different set of losses, losing friends to old age of course, but also losing bodily health, mental health, and frequently some of their freedom and autonomy as they age. There is overlap of course, and loss can strike us in so many ways. Sometimes it is subtle and complex, and sometimes it is clear, direct and overwhelming.
Pastoral care for me above all is the practice of being present to another who is in this place of struggling with loss, pain and suffering. That being present will take very different forms, depending on the need of the moment, but it is being present and being with that is so important. In some situations, there is little or nothing that can be said in the face of the immediate, sharp grief of having lost someone, and being present is the best gift we have to offer. Other times talking something through is the most helpful thing, and in that case a practice of presence involves listening, offering words of comfort, and perhaps suggesting different perspectives or offering insights for the other to consider. Regardless of the specific form it takes, a practice of presence for me is a practice of loving presence, of letting the person know through your very way of being, as well as through your words, that you are there with them, and that they are loved for who they are, in that moment.
Pastoral care for me above all is the practice of being present to another who is in this place of struggling with loss, pain and suffering. That being present will take very different forms, depending on the need of the moment, but it is being present and being with that is so important. In some situations, there is little or nothing that can be said in the face of the immediate, sharp grief of having lost someone, and being present is the best gift we have to offer. Other times talking something through is the most helpful thing, and in that case a practice of presence involves listening, offering words of comfort, and perhaps suggesting different perspectives or offering insights for the other to consider. Regardless of the specific form it takes, a practice of presence for me is a practice of loving presence, of letting the person know through your very way of being, as well as through your words, that you are there with them, and that they are loved for who they are, in that moment.
Choir Caroling 2019 - visiting isolated elders
The counterweight to loving presence, as noted by renowned pastoral care theologian Daniel Fowler, is that sometimes we also need to be given loving nudges out of our comfort zones if we are to continue forward on our journeys of growth and increased spiritual and emotional maturity. Fowler writes that we must find the balance of holding each other in love and security, and of challenging each other when necessary to take the next steps forward. These nudges can come in many ways, whether it be through gentle questions in a pastoral care session or holding one another accountable in safe and meaningful ways.
Pastoral care is also about more than the one-on-one interaction though. It isn’t just something that happens in the minister’s office, at the hospital bedside, or in a congregant’s home. Pastoral care happens in the side conversations in the congregation’s hallway. Pastoral care happens when we choose to offer an Adult Religious Education program on the difficulties of coping with mental illness, as we bring to light and normalize something that many folks in our congregations struggle with, but which is infrequently spoken of aloud. Pastoral care happens when the Sunday sermon speaks to the issue of domestic violence, acknowledging another taboo topic in our community, and letting those 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men who have survived this experience or are experiencing it currently know that their church community supports them. While pastoral care is often about offering one-on-one presence in a more private setting, it is also about offering care and support publicly, and making sure all are cared for in the broader context of communal life as well.
In the shared ministry of the congregation, pastoral care is work to be shared between the minister and the laity. Depending on the needs of the congregation, having a trained lay pastoral care team that functions with the support and guidance of the minister can be of tremendous benefit in making sure that everyone’s needs are met. While much of one-on-one pastoral care is simply about showing up and the loving presence we bring, there are also skills of course, and many ways in which we can be there with each other during the hard times. Ultimately, pastoral care is woven throughout the everyday work of the congregation and of our ministry – it is the foundation of our work together, living and relating to one another with care, kindness and compassion.
Pastoral care is also about more than the one-on-one interaction though. It isn’t just something that happens in the minister’s office, at the hospital bedside, or in a congregant’s home. Pastoral care happens in the side conversations in the congregation’s hallway. Pastoral care happens when we choose to offer an Adult Religious Education program on the difficulties of coping with mental illness, as we bring to light and normalize something that many folks in our congregations struggle with, but which is infrequently spoken of aloud. Pastoral care happens when the Sunday sermon speaks to the issue of domestic violence, acknowledging another taboo topic in our community, and letting those 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men who have survived this experience or are experiencing it currently know that their church community supports them. While pastoral care is often about offering one-on-one presence in a more private setting, it is also about offering care and support publicly, and making sure all are cared for in the broader context of communal life as well.
In the shared ministry of the congregation, pastoral care is work to be shared between the minister and the laity. Depending on the needs of the congregation, having a trained lay pastoral care team that functions with the support and guidance of the minister can be of tremendous benefit in making sure that everyone’s needs are met. While much of one-on-one pastoral care is simply about showing up and the loving presence we bring, there are also skills of course, and many ways in which we can be there with each other during the hard times. Ultimately, pastoral care is woven throughout the everyday work of the congregation and of our ministry – it is the foundation of our work together, living and relating to one another with care, kindness and compassion.
“Seth is gifted at meeting people where they are – both via public venues such as sermons and more personal venues such as during small group and one-on-one sessions. Seth reached out to me on numerous occasions this year during difficult times, specifically, after a family member's death and then again during my husband's hospitalization. In all instances, his presence was calm, grounded and supportive.
Seth also engaged with me in a discernment session about my future career path. His questions were direct and thoughtful, helping me gain clarity in what appeared to be an otherwise impossible situation. Our session led to direct action in-line with my values.”
- Justice Waidner-Smith, Member, All Souls Unitarian Church