Finding Belonging Amidst Diversity - October 2019
The best definition I’ve seen for our October theme of Belonging comes from the research of one my favorite authors, vulnerability expert Brené Brown. In her book Daring Greatly, she shares about asking a large group of eighth graders to describe the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging,” and they came up with the following:
“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other. Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.”
I like to think that our church, and Unitarian Universalist churches in general, do a pretty good job of being places where people can belong. As it states on the cover of our order of service, “we welcome all people, without regard to age, race, national origin, ableness, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or gender identity.” And even though we’re far from perfect, we do a better job than many other places of trying to live those values into being. The broad freedom of belief we offer in what I call the “existential” or “big picture” parts of our theology are especially helpful in allowing people to be who they are, and believe what they believe, and belong in our accepting religious community. There are also at least three things that happen in our community, and in other UU churches, that I see getting in the way of people feeling like they belong.
The first is that, as Fred Muir suggests in his book turning point: essays on a new Unitarian Universalism, we sometimes fall into the trap of Unitarian Universalist (UU) exceptionalism. UU exceptionalism means thinking Unitarian Universalism is the best, and that we have all the answers. Thinking that *we* are the smart and enlightened ones, and that if only everyone else figured out what we’ve figured out, the world would be a better place. We sometimes even combine exceptionalism with another challenge Muir lifts up, individualism (excessive individuality), and go so far as to think that our personal Unitarian Universalist answers are the best, and the only right ones, and that other UUs who don’t agree with us are wrong. It’s here that we can sometimes cause others to feel like they don’t belong in our UU communities – when instead of welcoming their beliefs that are different than ours, we instead judge them or demean them. One antidote to this is to embrace a practice of spiritual or ethical humility – knowing and trusting that however strongly we believe in our current personal truths, that ours is just one perspective, and that there is always more to know and learn on our ever-evolving spiritual and ethical journey.
The second way I’ve seen that we sometimes end up feeling like we don’t belong in UU circles is by believing, incorrectly from my perspective, that Unitarian Universalism offers total freedom of belief. As I noted above, we do offer complete freedom of belief in what I call the existential or big picture areas of theology – you can believe whatever you choose about the existence/non-existence/nature of god, the goddess, or the gods, and you can believe whatever you choose about happens to you after you die, as but two prominent examples. I do think though that we have a very specific set of beliefs about how we are in relationship in the world, noting that the primary relationship we are in is with ourselves. We are then, of course, also in relationships with other people, the communities we’re part of, our country, the environment, and the world. And in Unitarian Universalism, we believe very specific things about how to be in relationship – we believe that we need to bring love, kindness, compassion, justice, and equity into all our relationships, to name just a few. And while we argue sometimes about the nuances of what each of those qualities mean and look like in practice, these are expectations we have of one another, and that Unitarian Universalism has of us. And if we are challenged in one of those relational areas, it might cause us to feel like we don’t belong. It is incumbent on us as individuals then, to recognize that being challenged and encouraged to grow by the values and beliefs of your religious tradition is actually one of the really important things religious traditions are supposed to do, and does not mean that we don’t belong.
This ties back to Brené Brown’s research – just because you are challenged on some of your relational beliefs and understandings, does not mean that you are not wanted, or that we are expecting you to change and fit in. Part of being a Unitarian Universalist is being on a free and responsible search for truth and meaning, which means changing and evolving over time. We should thus want our church experience to, on occasion, challenge us to grow and learn, and then know and trust that that challenge is not coming from a place of “conform to fit in,” but rather “we love you exactly as you are, and hey, also, in this moment our beliefs and values are suggesting you might have some more room to grow in this one particular area.”
The third thing that happens that sometimes gets in our way of feeling belonging in our UU communities ties back to last month’s theme of Expectation – having the expectation that everything that happens at church will line up completely with what you believe and prefer. As a theist, even if a particular service happens to be primarily atheist, that doesn’t mean you don’t belong – it just means someone else’s needs are being met, in this diverse theological community that we embrace. As an atheist, if we use the word god in a service, it doesn’t mean that you don’t belong, it just means that again, someone else’s needs are being met. In our American culture where so much of what we consume now comes perfectly tailored to our individual needs and wants, it can be uncomfortable to be in a place where things are happening that are not what we want or need. But going back to Brown’s definition – things being not exactly what we want or need is not asking us to change ourselves, it’s merely asking us to be ok with difference and the meeting of other peoples’ wants and needs. Even when something is different, or uncomfortable, or not what you want or need, this community still values you just as you are, and isn’t asking you to change who you are. You still get to be you, no matter what. You still belong, no matter what. It’s just that part of the challenge of embracing diversity like we do means that sometimes you won’t be comfortable. And that’s ok – comfort and belonging are two different things.
As we continue to explore Belonging together over this upcoming month, I hope we can also continue to explore what it means to belong to a church that offers and embraces diversity, and find ways to be ever more gentle and welcoming with others and ourselves, as we also manage our own expectations. I also hope we can deepen our own sense of belonging to this community, and deepen the bonds of connection that already exist. It’s hard and important work.
See you in church!
peace, love and blessings,
Rev. Seth
“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other. Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.”
I like to think that our church, and Unitarian Universalist churches in general, do a pretty good job of being places where people can belong. As it states on the cover of our order of service, “we welcome all people, without regard to age, race, national origin, ableness, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or gender identity.” And even though we’re far from perfect, we do a better job than many other places of trying to live those values into being. The broad freedom of belief we offer in what I call the “existential” or “big picture” parts of our theology are especially helpful in allowing people to be who they are, and believe what they believe, and belong in our accepting religious community. There are also at least three things that happen in our community, and in other UU churches, that I see getting in the way of people feeling like they belong.
The first is that, as Fred Muir suggests in his book turning point: essays on a new Unitarian Universalism, we sometimes fall into the trap of Unitarian Universalist (UU) exceptionalism. UU exceptionalism means thinking Unitarian Universalism is the best, and that we have all the answers. Thinking that *we* are the smart and enlightened ones, and that if only everyone else figured out what we’ve figured out, the world would be a better place. We sometimes even combine exceptionalism with another challenge Muir lifts up, individualism (excessive individuality), and go so far as to think that our personal Unitarian Universalist answers are the best, and the only right ones, and that other UUs who don’t agree with us are wrong. It’s here that we can sometimes cause others to feel like they don’t belong in our UU communities – when instead of welcoming their beliefs that are different than ours, we instead judge them or demean them. One antidote to this is to embrace a practice of spiritual or ethical humility – knowing and trusting that however strongly we believe in our current personal truths, that ours is just one perspective, and that there is always more to know and learn on our ever-evolving spiritual and ethical journey.
The second way I’ve seen that we sometimes end up feeling like we don’t belong in UU circles is by believing, incorrectly from my perspective, that Unitarian Universalism offers total freedom of belief. As I noted above, we do offer complete freedom of belief in what I call the existential or big picture areas of theology – you can believe whatever you choose about the existence/non-existence/nature of god, the goddess, or the gods, and you can believe whatever you choose about happens to you after you die, as but two prominent examples. I do think though that we have a very specific set of beliefs about how we are in relationship in the world, noting that the primary relationship we are in is with ourselves. We are then, of course, also in relationships with other people, the communities we’re part of, our country, the environment, and the world. And in Unitarian Universalism, we believe very specific things about how to be in relationship – we believe that we need to bring love, kindness, compassion, justice, and equity into all our relationships, to name just a few. And while we argue sometimes about the nuances of what each of those qualities mean and look like in practice, these are expectations we have of one another, and that Unitarian Universalism has of us. And if we are challenged in one of those relational areas, it might cause us to feel like we don’t belong. It is incumbent on us as individuals then, to recognize that being challenged and encouraged to grow by the values and beliefs of your religious tradition is actually one of the really important things religious traditions are supposed to do, and does not mean that we don’t belong.
This ties back to Brené Brown’s research – just because you are challenged on some of your relational beliefs and understandings, does not mean that you are not wanted, or that we are expecting you to change and fit in. Part of being a Unitarian Universalist is being on a free and responsible search for truth and meaning, which means changing and evolving over time. We should thus want our church experience to, on occasion, challenge us to grow and learn, and then know and trust that that challenge is not coming from a place of “conform to fit in,” but rather “we love you exactly as you are, and hey, also, in this moment our beliefs and values are suggesting you might have some more room to grow in this one particular area.”
The third thing that happens that sometimes gets in our way of feeling belonging in our UU communities ties back to last month’s theme of Expectation – having the expectation that everything that happens at church will line up completely with what you believe and prefer. As a theist, even if a particular service happens to be primarily atheist, that doesn’t mean you don’t belong – it just means someone else’s needs are being met, in this diverse theological community that we embrace. As an atheist, if we use the word god in a service, it doesn’t mean that you don’t belong, it just means that again, someone else’s needs are being met. In our American culture where so much of what we consume now comes perfectly tailored to our individual needs and wants, it can be uncomfortable to be in a place where things are happening that are not what we want or need. But going back to Brown’s definition – things being not exactly what we want or need is not asking us to change ourselves, it’s merely asking us to be ok with difference and the meeting of other peoples’ wants and needs. Even when something is different, or uncomfortable, or not what you want or need, this community still values you just as you are, and isn’t asking you to change who you are. You still get to be you, no matter what. You still belong, no matter what. It’s just that part of the challenge of embracing diversity like we do means that sometimes you won’t be comfortable. And that’s ok – comfort and belonging are two different things.
As we continue to explore Belonging together over this upcoming month, I hope we can also continue to explore what it means to belong to a church that offers and embraces diversity, and find ways to be ever more gentle and welcoming with others and ourselves, as we also manage our own expectations. I also hope we can deepen our own sense of belonging to this community, and deepen the bonds of connection that already exist. It’s hard and important work.
See you in church!
peace, love and blessings,
Rev. Seth